Leading with Curiosity

“Choosing to be curious is choosing to be vulnerable because it requires us to surrender to uncertainty. It wasn’t always a choice; we were born curious. But over time, we learn that curiosity, like vulnerability, can lead to hurt. As a result, we turn to self-protecting—choosing certainty over curiosity, armor over vulnerability, and knowing over learning.” 

― Brené Brown, Rising Strong: How the Ability to Reset Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead

Over the years of self-work and learning, I’ve adopted a few principles or core values, and one of them is lead with curiosity. It’s led to some incredible breakthroughs in my life and in my relationships with others. I included Brene’s quote from her astonishing book above (seriously read it if you haven’t yet) because I do think it’s a scary value to practice, especially in the beginning. However, I believe leading with curiosity is one of the most essential values to adopt, especially in this day and age.

So what does leading with curiosity look like? For me, it means a few things.

One, when something in my internal life causes me dissonance or pain, I start asking questions. Often the event that triggered said emotion lies deeper than first glance, and if I simply took whatever was going on for face value, it’s more times than not what is actually causing me distress. When I lean into and create space surrounding said emotion, I get to the bottom of what is actually bothering me.

Two, if you do this for yourself, it becomes easier to hold space for others. @mark introduced me to a concept called Hanlon’s razor, which states, “Let us not attribute to malice and cruelty what may be referred to less criminal motives.”

In other words, it’s incorrect to assume evil intent when often it’s ignorance or a myriad of alternatives. And when you are curious about the other person, it allows you to step in their shoes. It helps you get to the bottom of what is actually going on. Because I can almost certainly guarantee that whatever it is that is upsetting them has nothing to do with you. If it does, then curiosity allows you to open a conversation and therefore enables you to create change and a deeper connection.

Three, it naturally combats reactivity. How? Because it makes you pause. It gives you the opportunity to insert questions instead of assumptions. And it’s natural to want to create assumptions. We have a long list of past experiences that point to those expectations. When we lead with curiosity, it gives an opening for the change we want to see. It creates a new level of awareness inside the mechanizations of ourselves and others. In a world of constant fight or flight, we need a pause. We need that space. We could all do with a little less reactivity and a little more open-hearted listening.

So today, I hope you will find a moment to test the waters of curiosity. I promise that well runs deep, and at the bottom of it, you will find many undiscovered treasures.