The Wound is the Place Where the Light Enters You

“𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐰𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐝 𝐢𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐩𝐥𝐚𝐜𝐞 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐋𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭 𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐬 𝐲𝐨𝐮.”
𝐑𝐮𝐦𝐢

When most people find out about my past,  they respond with, “I’m so sorry that happened to you.”

I understand their impulse to comfort, it was a turbulent time filled with many struggles, and no one should have to go through all of that. I will continue to raise my voice about the subtly and toxicity of abuse that is so widespread today. My intent is not to discount or argue for its place on the planet. It is one of the vilest aspects of the human condition and I hope one day we are able to eradicate it from our world.

That being said, the truth is, I’m not sorry. No part of me regrets my abusive past. Because if I never hit that rock bottom I wouldn’t have had the impetus to change. And I needed to change.

I can hardly remember the person I used to be now. But I know that my mindset on much of life was toxic before my abuse and that was one of the many reasons I stayed inside those circumstances for so long. I was very anxiously attached in my teenage years and as such, I became very dependent. Yes, I was fed lies like, “no one will ever love you.” But I had a ton of negative self talk for him to use as ammunition and his abuse worked so well because it’s inception came from my already fragile self-esteem. He used what I already thought about myself to manipulate, control, and keep me.

And maybe I would have done all the self-work regardless, but I started this journey out of necessity. I could not go on living if I couldn’t fix my relationship with myself. I hated everything about me as a human. I felt like a prisoner in my own body, in my own head.

Once I began untangling the webs of deception my partner had spun inside my mind, I was able to rid the spiders of my own self-sabotage.

Now, I look at myself and I see me, and I love me, and most days I am comfortable just being me. This wasn’t the case before my abuse and it certainly wasn’t the case after. That rock bottom was a much-needed pivot. And now, my greatest pain has become my greatest strength.

Without darkness, the stars can not be seen. I will let all parts of me see that light.